Self-confidence is a pretty consistently hot topic for women. And maybe, below the surface, it’s just as big a thing for men, but we certainly address it more. Women devour magazine articles about the magical age at which we’re finally more comfortable in our own skin, how confidence is key to success in business, how it’s the ultimate beauty secret, how men seem to have more self-esteem than we do, sometimes undeservedly. We give it weight of almost mythical proportion, as the ultimate cure-all. And often, we regard confidence the way we do creativity, like it’s a binary, congenital thing, a trait versus a skill, innate versus obtained.
This confidence connundrum—it holds a lot of us back from more fulfilling experiences. And it’s unfortunate, because like most things, confidence can actually be learned, and with practice, even honed.
Allow me to anecdote…
Throughout high school, I took art classes at the Art Institute downtown. These were a highlight of my week, and my parents were basically awesome about it, both footing the bills and hauling me back and forth across the city to make it happen. And on my sixteenth birthday, they handed me the keys to a brand-new, ten-year-old Toyota Cressida, and taught me to check the oil and jumpstart the engine. Then they kissed me good luck and told me I could take over those Sunday commutes into the Loop, just me, myself and I.
Obviously this was extremely good news, but it was also long before something like Google Maps (let alone Waze) was even thought possible, and I’ve never been great with maps. Bravado aside, I had no actual idea how to get to my classes, or where or how to park. I remember admitting that to my dad, expecting a play-by-play, but he just shrugged and was all, “Chicago’s on a grid. Figure it out.”
So I did.
Fast forward. These days, in my yoga classes, the instructors often ask us to note how we feel during the same pose both at the beginning and at the end of a practice. It can be shocking, really, how the first downward-facing-dog of the day feels like so much work: creaky and slippery, a mere few breaths exhausting. Often, my instinct is to feel disheartened by my own rustiness, convinced I’m weak. But not ten minutes of warmup later, I’ve built heat, my muscles are wide awake and that same down-dog feels entirely different: strong, stable, and empowering.
When I am conscious of this marked change, I’m surprised that these two totally separate physical experiences could occur in the same physical being, so closely to one another. Of course, what’s really happening is that the strength and mobility were there all along, because I’ve put in the work to build and maintain them. As a result, even when lying dormant, I can call upon them whenever I want, and with minor effort, they’ll come rushing to do my bidding.
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These separate experiences represent, for me, two angles of the same (perhaps trite) truth: The best way to build confidence is to rack up a few successes under your belt. They don’t have to be concentrated in one category; the most meaningful, lasting form of self-esteem is about the entire self, not a specific skillset. And there are a couple of easy ways to get there.
If you don’t yet believe in yourself, believe in someone’s belief in you.
You can’t teach experience, maybe, but everyone’s gotta start somewhere, so how to take that first leap of faith?
Take someone else’s word for it.
If you’re tasked with something, it’s probably because you’re capable. Trust in that, without any fine print. On the flip side, as a parent, partner, colleague or friend, you can be someone else’s champion. Never underestimate the impact your confidence can have on another’s self-actualization.
My parents’ unwavering commitment to my own aptitude for problem solving sparked that same belief in me, at an impressionable age. The thinking went, they were smart people whose opinions I respected. Clearly, they wouldn’t set me up for failure.
In my adult life, especially at work, that same you’ve got this from people close to me has been the fodder for me to step way outside of my comfort zone, taking on assignments that both challenged and intimidated me, ones for which I had no frame of reference or safety net.
Use your past successes as proof you can.
With a little experience, you can quickly become your own life coach and champion. Your internal talk track can be super-general, even unrelated to the task at hand—as simple as “I’ve been intimidated by something before and come out on top, so the same is gonna happen here.” It’s where those dormant—but fully present—muscles come into play: if you’ve been dilligent about spending the time and putting forth the effort, you can confidently rely on your mind’s earned ability to “figure it out”, no matter what “it” is.
You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again.
And as confident people will tell you, there’s nothing like proving yourself right.
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“And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!”
– Dr. Seuss